You know what it is? It's all the lies, the gossip, the backstabbing. All this negativity, it's sapping the life out of me. All this trivial deceit is ridiculous! At this age, people could show some maturity but unfortunately, it's a lot to ask for from them because they are perpetually stuck at 14 years old. This isn't a second chance at high school. It's being an adult. Grow the fuck up already.

Blank

I'm missing an aim in life.

There doesn't seem to be a reason behind any of my actions anymore. Wandering has become a reflex. Sometimes, I don't even realize how lost I've gotten. Until someone mentions the old me.

I crave balance. A well balanced life. A well balanced mind. A well balanced thought. A well balanced desire. A well balanced meal. A well balanced family. A well balanced closet. A well balanced ... everything.

And some coherency. I lack any and all forms of clarity in everything I say, think, and do.

All for what?

"You've given up on yourself. Why?"

"I feel defeated."

"You can't give up on yourself! You have to fight for yourself. You're the only one who can do it. No one else can do it for you."

"...I'm not sure if I'm worth fighting for..."

x2

We were the kings and queens of promise...

The human race has fallen on hard times. And we have no one to blame but ourselves. We have forgotten that there are more pressing issues to worry about than our carbon footprint. There's no point to a green Earth when there will be no generations left to inhabit it, to enjoy it, to cherish it.

Waste, waste, waste, waste...

Whenever someone asks, "hey! how are you?", the only reply I can think of is "disinterested".

Who knew nonsense could be so coherent?

Riddle me this, riddle me that - why do people live their lives like a bad clichéd script?

Include me in the guilty party as well. In the past two weeks, I was forced to take a good, hard look at myself. And my self evaluation has led me to conclude that so far I have done absolutely nothing that I can be proud of. As a human being, I have made zero contributions to the world and no strides in improving my character. If anything, it's just been many, many steps backwards to a place that I thought I had left long ago.

I thought I had found the one, he wasn't. I thought I had figured out my career, I hadn't. I thought I knew my religion, I don't. I thought I could follow my religion well enough, I can't. Nothing has panned out.

I had my entire life planned out. I had a backplan for when Plan A failed, for when Plan B failed, for Plan C failed, etc. And now, despite having backups for my backups, I am left empty handed. And I am so scared. I, honestly, don't know where I'm headed in life. I have no plan whatsoever. I am living life on a moment by moment basis. And it is so fucking scary. But exhilarating at the same time. I was following a circumscribed life that was planned for me before I was even born. But it caved. It didn't work. And while I miss that feeling of stability, and frightened to death of not knowing where my life is exactly headed, I have never felt more free in my life!

No more acting out a scripted movie. I can finally be me. I don't have to pick from decisions already made for me, I can make my own! No more "pick your own adventure"!

It's all about ad-libbing now, baby! Improv at its best!

...I really need to stop hanging out with the comedians...these one-liners are getting embarassing now...

A Mess

It starts with a minor infraction. Then begins to spread slowly. Slowly and slowly. Until it consumes everything. And all that's left is black ash. And no matter how hard you blow, the ash just refuses to disperse.

I hate her. I hate everything she touches. I hate everything she likes. I can't stand her. I want to steer clear of her and anything associated with her. I hate her to the point where I'll start disliking those who talk to her. Including those I do like. It's not healthy. At all. Not one bit.

I want to be cleansed of her and all emotions related to her. I wish I had never met her. Her mere presence has turned me into a horrible person. Everyday, all I can think about is how the hate is filling up until it finally overflows. And God knows what will happen when I reach my limit.

She has officially become the bane of my existence.